One of Dad's secret hide aways...

This picture is of my Dad this past Christmas opening his "leg lamp" that my brother gave him. Its a replica of the lamp from "The Christmas Story" He loved it...

There is a little barbecue place that's tucked out of the way just off the interstate in Atlanta. Its a small brick building that's been there since 1947. There are trees in the tiny little parking lot that have grown to be intertwined with the chain linked fence, no air conditioning in the kitchen, just huge fans covered by wire mesh that blow that delicious smell of woodsmoke and roasting pork out of the windows to flow all around the area, the ubiquitous banging sound of meat being chopped is always in the background, autographed pictures hang on the walls of Lewis Grizzard, Jerry Clower, several Governors, sports figures, local celebrities, etc.... They will gladly let you go into the kitchen if you ask so you can check out the set up. The smoking area is covered in thick black tar, and such a mouth watering aroma hangs in there... it makes me feel like a little kid again running around while my grandfather is preparing his Fourth of July barbecue. There is not one thing in this place that is up to any code set down by the state, county, or city... But with grandfather laws in effect what can they do? This is a straight ahead no nonsense barbecue joint, no frills or specialty items will be found on the menu. Just damn good food at a fair price, with waitresses that have been there for at least thirty years each, calling everybody sweetie or honey, and they actually seem to be having a good time. The menu is simple, short, and to the point. They have stew, barbecue, ribs, hamburgers and hot dogs. The sweet tea will make you cry it is so good. They just don't mess with anything that's not needed as you can tell by the website that hasn't been completed for god knows how long now.
This place held a certain mystique with me for several years... It was where my Dad would go almost every day for extended lunches when he was a service technician working on printing equipment around Atlanta. He had talked about the place several times to me and his prowess at sneaking long lunches filled with all sorts of home spun banter at the place were almost legendary within the company we both worked at. By the time I started working there he was a supervisor and Harold's was too far away from the office for us to sneak off for lunch. I tried many times to get him to go there with me on a Saturday, but he always told me that it was too far for him to go. The first time I made it there was years ago, I walked in with Billy, an ex coworker of my Dad's, even though he had not been there for at least five years, they all greeted him as if he had been there the day before and given them all presents. They walked ahead of him and already had a plate of cracklin' cornbread and a large sweet tea waiting for him on the table . After we had been seated (I was a little dumbstruck as to the manner with which they were treating him, almost like royalty) the waitress sat down and fell into a long discussion with the him about where he had been and what he had been doing. I listened to some of the talk and perused menu, when he said, "Hey, this is Del's boy Clay." You would have thought the prodigal son had returned... all the waitresses came running when our waitress yelled back into the kitchen, "Del's boy is out here!". For the next couple of hours I was treated to a never ending story about the antics that he had pulled there and how he had kept them all entertained. I heard things like " That son of a gun made Jerry Clower look like a boring preacher in a hot church in July!" I enjoyed the best rib plate I ever had and smiled non stop while listening to stories about Dad. I got a little chill when they told me that I was sitting in his favorite chair at the table he always claimed was his, my companion grinned at me, I couldn't help but feel like I was set up... When I went to the counter to pay the bill, the gentleman taking the money tore the ticket in half, handed me a greasy little bag and said, "You give this to your Dad and tell him I said Hi..." Inside was a big container of stew and a huge stack of cornbread. I stopped by my parents house on the way home and passed off the goodies to Dad and told him all about the experience. I asked him why he had only told me about the food and had never mentioned how much fun it was or how nice they all were, he said, "Well I cain't divulge all my secrets boy..." and gave me a sly wink as he eyeballed his bag of food. He asked me about them, calling them all by name and told me a little about each one, saying, "Does so and so still wear her hair in that god awful green clip?" I just laughed and said yes she had it on, he got tickled by hearing about them, it was as if he had been there with me...
I went back in there recently ( I was near there and had a craving for stew) I walked in and made my way to the table my dad sat at for so many years, ordered a pork plate with a bowl of stew and a sweet tea. The waitresses all came out and sat around and began to tell me how sorry they were that dad had passed away in February. The guy at the counter came back and offered his condolences, asking if I needed anything... He shook my hand and said to me, "Del was a mighty man that I am grateful to have known, his appetite for good food was dwarfed only by the size of his heart". I am continually amazed by how far reaching his persona was, and dumbfounded that for so many years I had no idea. I thanked them for their kind words, talked with them a few minutes about Dad then sat back in quiet solace to enjoy the best bowl of stew I ever had ... damn, I do miss that man.

Lord have mercy, forty one years of non stop breathing

It's a little past midnight so I am officially forty one now. My birthdays have become more of a time when I get stuck in retrospect than anything else. That's true of most people from what I hear. I was born in 1967 in Newnan hospital on Jackson Street. My mother told me that it was a bit after midnight when it happened. Now I'm here. Ten miles from there. Hindsight being what it is, what do I wish that I could change? Well, I wish that I had all the money that I have ever spent on fast food, beer, liquor, cigarettes, porn and numerous other crutches that have helped to prop up my psyche. I wish that I had bought land with that money. I wish that I had learned to relax more and enjoy things as they happened instead of worrying about what other people thought of me. I wish that I had spent more time with my Grandparents when they were around. Ditto for my Dad. I wish that I had beat that guy in highschool's ass much worse than I did, I would be out by now. I kind of wish that I had taken the bait when I was threatened by the group of cops in Carrollton after they got me back to the station and surrounded me asking, "What are you going to do about it?" when I complained about them hurting me when they pulled me out of the car by my elbow while cuffed, I would be out for that by now as well. I wish that I had listened to my brother when he tried to get me to drive the car when I was thirteen, I really wanted to, but was just too afraid. I wish that I had shown people more respect when I was younger. I wish that I had asked that girl to the prom when I was a junior in highschool. I wish that I had learned how to tattoo people. I wish that I had lost weight when I was in my late teens. I wish that I had kept all of my toys that I had as a kid. I wish that I had not effronted as many people as I have, and for some of that I am sorry. I wish that I had told my cousin that I loved him the last time I saw him. Ditto for everybody else that has gone on now. I wish that I had taken that scholarship from the Savannah College of Art & Design. I wish that I had not drank all that thunderbird when I went down there with the art club to watch the competition. I wish that I had learned to play an instrument. I wish that I had not been ugly to that girl that Christmas. I wish that I never had read The Lord of The rings so that it would be new to me again. I wish that I had gotten a black belt in karate. I wish that damn moth hadnt just flown into my drink... But most of all I wish that I had developed closer relationships with my siblings. Time is a funny thing and I fear that I have wasted a great portion of the time that I have had here by giving in to the paranoid and pessimistic side of my mind, but then everybody is out to get me.
Every person on the face of the planet could make a list of things like this, but this list is mine and unique to me. As my four year old and I were out on night patrol in the Kawasaki mule earlier this evening I came to realize, or rather remember, that all that I have been through has led me to the point that I am at now. I am thankful that I have a good wife and two good sons who have been there for me through thick and thin. They understand me and accept me for who I am, that is special to me. I will love them forever I know, and I hope that I can live up to the standards I have set for myself where they are concerned. I am thankful that my mother, mother inlaw and father inlaw are still here - and they should know that I love them and respect them for all that they have done in their lives. They are all good people and I nod my head to them in a quiet salute for their hard work and accomplishments. I am thankful as well for the people that have shaped my life that are still here and I salute them too for the positive influence and good memories that they have given me over the years. For the ones that have gone on, I hope that from time to time I will be afforded the opportunity to pass on to my sons some of what they have left to me. I am a hard person to like I know, but I am a fair person. I don't talk much and tend to live inside my own mind, and that is a cumbersome existence at times, so if I appear to be surly, just remember that I am simply too afraid to say what I feel.
Some of these things that I wish I had done I could set about trying to accomplish in a bucket list sort of way, but then that would be trying to live too much in the past... Not to mention those cops wouldn't have any idea who I was when I went after them... I have stayed my mind and calmed some of my emotions over the past few years and learned to accept things for what they are, some were easy, some were difficult and some do tend to eat at me non stop. I read my brothers blog today and he said that he was thinking about how he liked to dress up in strange outfits and has lots of useless items that bring him momentary pleasure, he questioned himself as to this behaviour now that he is about to become a Dad for the first time, hell, he may be by now... I've been a Dad now for fourteen years and I say this to him - Go out right now and get yourself a set of matching blue and red robes so that you can show him all the secrets of the hobbits that live around here, you will not regret it one bit.

I enjoy this song

And I really like her

Some of my latest carvings

carved from a pear tree, piece is 5' tall, not sanded or stained yet - beard wraps around stick for 8 - 10" - when finished will be $45.00

club - oak - $25.00

handle of newest wand, total length is 16" - poplar - wands are $25.00 - will be stained - to see one in action, click here

wizard whistle - newest item - $15.00

wizard whistle - side view - whistles are painted & varnished

wizard whistle - top view - will have leather neck strap to wear as necklace

6' staff - poplar - carved with vine & leaf design, not stained. when finished will be $85.00

santa ornament - poplar - $20.00

These are a few of my latest works, as you can tell I need Lauren to take some good pictures to do them justice, photography is not one of my talents... if anything interests you send me an email....

An update on Lucie

My nephew's daughter Lucie is doing much better, she is 3lbs 5 ounces now and drinking from a bottle. From an uncle's point of view I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers for her during this time. I am sure that the amount of prayers that the family has received has had much to do with her improving condition, may she continue to do better and get stronger. Hang in there Lucie, we are all praying for you...

How do they get paid?

Last night while flipping channels I landed on Greta van susteren's on the record on fox news. She was telling the story of some hikers that had been lost in Alaska. The guy she was interviewing said that the girls had called them on their cell phone and told them where they thought they were. After several hours they called back and said that they had seen or heard nothing, so they reassessed their position and shortly they heard a helicopter, flagged them down and were rescued. Greta then asked the following question: "So you were in the helicopter and spotted them from the air, that's how they were rescued?" The look on the guy's face said very plainly, "Nooooo, we were on elephant back making our way to Tibet and happened up on them while they were having a naked wiccan ceremony to show their love for the goddess..."

You can certainly see where we are headed. as exampled by this... Thank you in advance for voting for obama. And by the way... we are, yet again, one step closer....

Should or shouldn't

I have been asked several times whom it is that I am going to vote for this November in the presidential election. My knee jerk reaction is to say that I am not going to vote at all. I do not like either candidate, well any candidate that I have seen and listened to. I can not in good faith vote for a democrat and I am not fond of the republican candidate. My repulsion toward democrat candidates goes back to quotes about the U.S. military that party leadership made that I can not in good faith forget or forgive. The republican candidate hasn’t really impressed me with his work on illegal immigration, being a Senator from a border state I would have liked his record to be a bit more, shall I say, existent… The independent candidates do not impress me either. There are platforms of parties that I agree with, but as with the Libertarian party, I do not agree with their stance on foreign policy, or the fact that the only ones that make the news are the ones that will fight to the death for their right to smoke a joint in public. I am pretty simple, two term term-limits for all elected officials, serious use of bio fuels (you can make gas and diesel out of kudzu) and the implementation of a national retail sales tax. Income tax should go the way of eight tracks. A strong military and the annihilation of all enemies of our society is my simple foreign policy. Less government intervention in day to day life, and cutting government spending by getting rid of things government should not fund. Just go read the fiscal federal budget for a run down of the pure crap that we pay for.
Political ideology aside my problem comes with thinking of the sacrifice that people in this country’s past have made to give me and my family the right to cast a vote. To have a voice in what happens in government is a true right and blessing that we have in this country, and people died for it. Freedom is the most important element of our existence in this society, and far too many people gave their lives to make sure that we have it for me to simply turn my back on it. I feel that there was truly something spiritual at work when the founders of this nation began the process that led to this society. They were slave owners, drunks, adulterers, and zealots to be sure, but their words paved the way for people to live in freedom for generations to come. Sure we are losing freedoms by government intervention on an almost daily scale. Political correctness is paving the way for a nanny state that could compare to soviet Russia some day. But, at this moment, at this time in history I can not let this election pass without casting a vote for someone, it is my way to honor those of our past and the sacrifices they made. Whether they gave their lives, their property, their standing in the community, their families, or their personal freedom I must honor them by casting a vote. I have to ask myself if I would be willing to do the same for a cause that I knew to be right. It would be easy to give my life for my family if someone attacked them in my presence, but would I give my life for my country… that is another question. I would like to think that I would, but it’s a question that you can’t answer until it happens to you. There are people overseas now who believe that they are indeed putting their lives on the line for this nation. I support them in all they do. I too believe that the work they are doing will make this nation more secure, whether I agree with the leaderships methodology or not. A full volunteer force is much more effective than a forced military, as we learned in Vietnam. I believe that if you have a true ideological problem with the mission you should speak up or decide not to go.
Come election day I will step up to the screen, hold my nose, and cast a vote for the one that I think will do the least amount of damage to my wallet. When I leave I will smile quietly to myself and send a private nod of humble thanks to the memory of those that put themselves in harms way in order for me to able to stop in and cast a vote on my way to work.

Sunday morning

I woke up later than I intended to. I decided not to give in to any weakness by checking for information being made public on my progress. I readied myself for the next phase by telling her that I was going to pick something good up for a nice lunch. We discussed the menu and decided on mexican. I thought that this one might prove to be difficult. I had dreamt the plan the night before and it seemed like it would work, but I don’t put much faith in dreams. I made the drive in time, ordering the food on the way then parking a little way down the road and walking the remainder of the distance off the road so I wouldn’t be spotted. I watched the house for a while then walked across the yard and placed a whistling bird paperweight on the gas tank. After making my way back to the wood line of the yard I settled in. I made sure the explosive rounds were loaded correctly and waited. When they came out in time for the commute to church I watched as they stared at the paperweight with odd looks. A brief conversation later, he began walking toward the two hundred fifty gallons of propane that heated the water they bathed in, the house they lived in and the food they consumed. When everyone was in place I said, “Good”. I kept my head down until the debris had settled. I noticed, with surprise, that most of the house was gone, they must’ve had a recent delivery. After making it back to the car I headed in the opposite direction of a local fire station I knew to be just a few miles away. Some back roads and twisting turns leading to the interstate put me close to the restaurant. I picked up the food without much issue and headed toward home. I thought about which movie we could watch after we ate before we had to go to her mother’s house for the usual Sunday visit.

Worn out

I am way too tired to be just forty years old.....
this is how I feel.

War

Are you ready for it? Are we as a nation ready for it? Iran has now included the military in their processing of nuclear material. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has now said, more or less that they can destroy the United States by disrupting our economy. Can you say ten bucks a gallon? Israel can not afford to allow Iran have nukes, deterrence aside. How many Jewish leaders have said that Iran can not exist? The attack is going to happen. Dr. Abdul Ruff Colachal says: “Iran’s nuclear sites are too numerous, distant and fortified for Israel to take on alone. An Israeli air raid on Syria last September razed what the United States said was a nascent nuclear reactor built with North Korean help. Syria denied having any such facility. But USA and Israel are keen to invade Iran and take control of its energy and other natural and human resources and bring the region under Israeli monopoly.” Israeli Transportation Minister Shaul Mofaz set off an international uproar by saying in a published interview that Israel will have "no choice" but to attack Iran if it doesn't halt its nuclear program. Quickly, Iranian Defense Minister Mostafa Mohammad Najjar was quoted on 10 June as warning Israel of a devastating response if it launched a military strike over the Islamic Republic's disputed nuclear program. "Our armed forces are at the height of their readiness and if anyone should want to undertake such a foolish job the response would be very painful." Iran is cleverly using the statement of Iranian president about Israel. Iran ’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, angered by continuous Israeli genocide’s, invasions and illegal settlements constructions in Palestine, said Israel should be wiped off the map. "The sanctions aren't effective. There will be no choice but to attack Iran to halt the Iranian nuclear program," Mofaz said.” – See what I mean?
These idiots in the Middle East are determined to destroy each other, unfortunately we will probably walk hand in hand with them toward the abyss of destruction, and for what? Is it oil? Is it pride? Is it biblical? I’m sure there is a back room somewhere with a group of people in it that have all the right answers, and I’m sure they wont share it with us, the people who are going to fund it and give our lives for it. The people who consider themselves the enemies of this nation have pledged to destroy it. They have thrown the dice and put their machinations in play. The time is now at hand, brace yourselves, its coming.
The question of “getting off oil” is about forty years too late. Whether you agree that oil is a fossil fuel or indeed a mineral that replenishes itself from the earth’s core doesn’t matter anymore. Oil is imbedded in our lives to a point that it can’t dig itself out with enough speed to change the game at this point. I wonder how the global warming and save the environment crowd is going to feel about bitching about drilling for oil in our own land when this starts, not to mention blocking any and all efforts to build refineries and shore up our infrastructure… It's going to be ok though, President Obama will sit down and talk to everybody and clear this mess up in no time...

Oops

There was a movie coming out that both my wife and I wanted to see. Being that we make it to the movies only once or twice a year we try to enjoy ourselves. We did all the regular stuff and tried to immerse ourselves in the atmosphere, knowing that it was going to be crowded. After paying the requisite seven or eight hundred dollars it now takes to get in and get popcorn and a drink we settled in to some good seats. Well as good as can be expected when you are forced to wait in a line for the previous showing to clear out. The theater was quiet, the lights went down the previews started and ended and the show began. About fifteen minutes into the movie a little girl behind us said to the older gentleman next to her, “What’s that grandpa?” and he answered her explaining what the character on the screen was and what it was doing. They spoke as two people would talk in a car on a trip, slightly louder than need be. I turned around to look at them but didn’t say anything. Well, they continued the conversation through the entire movie. I asked them to please be quiet, my wife asked them to please be quiet and several people all around them asked them to please be quiet. Someone even went to get an employee to ask them to please be quiet. They never stopped the ongoing monologue. To add insult to injury a guy with a cell phone kept getting calls through the last half of the movie, when a call would come in he would hop up and run down to the exit, standing there talking loudly and gesturing all around with his hands. Yes, it was a miserable experience. When the movie was over my wife saw the guy waiting in line with his grand daughter to get the free refill on the popcorn he had, she went up to the guy and asked him if he was going to pay for our tickets since they ruined our evening. He actually told her that we should’ve said something, how thick can you be? We left the theater and headed home promising that it would be a long time before we went to another movie. I told her the story of seeing one of the last in a string of horror movies several years before and how then I swore that I wouldn’t go back to the movies because I didn’t get to hear a single line of dialogue. I had made the mistake of going on a Friday night right after school had let out for the summer, the theater was full of kids. I was so disgusted that I actually left before the movie was over and still to date have not watched the movie, even though its always on some cable channel or other. A few days later my wife had her first appointment at a new Dr.’s office late in the afternoon. When I got home I asked her how it went and whether or not she thought that she liked the guy. She breathed a deep sigh and told me that she was sitting on the table when the Dr. came in and began talking to her. He was being nice and polite asking her questions and reading her chart, when he looked up, yep, you guessed, it was “grandpa”… Luckily for us he didn’t recognize my wife and hasn’t mentioned the scene at all. I think that I will just wait for the dvd release of stuff in the future…

Thank you

I have enjoyed posting things on this blog. It was set up with several ideas in mind. First as a way we could put up pictures and such about what we were doing so that my kids Grandparents who live four states away would have a chance to see and read about what was going on. Second as a place that I could write about things that interest me, whatever they may be. Third as a place that I could learn how to write, it’s always been something I have been interested in doing, but lack any working knowledge of or actual real talent in doing. What I’m working on now is a series of stories about a guy who becomes a murderer and how his life and psyche changes throughout his experiences. I left the blog open for any and all who wish to post comments because I enjoy feedback on what I’m writing, but I have just one request. There were a few ugly comments left attacking me and my family posted on the blog that I have deleted. My email is CRICKHOLLOWCARVING@GMAIL.COM if you cant help yourself and wish to attack me then email me directly, otherwise don’t read the blog & leave us alone.

Saturday night

I didn’t think of police at all on the way home, my mind was too peaceful. I turned into the driveway with a quick jerk and saw her in the pool, just her nose and eyes above the water line. Walking through the gate I noticed she had set up camp. There were bags of chips and half-finished drinks with a cooler of ice at the pool’s edge. I asked her how long she had been in there. She let me know that it had been all day, she was looking for relief from the heat. I told her that it must’ve been boring to sit in water all day. She told me that she had been counting cars to pass the time, I asked her how many she was up to in the count. She said, “Two.” I walked in through the kitchen, tossed the keys on the counter and headed for the shower. It was difficult to operate without humming a tune. I hadn’t felt this good in over a year. Step one was completed now, it went off without a hitch. We set up in the den for a meal that I had made, that was after all, why I went out, to get food to cook. We played a couple of games after we ate then settled in for a good movie. During the course of the night I began to wonder why I had not heard anything about this afternoon. It was then that I made the decision that I would suffer from my own thoughts if I took time between phases. I must act accordingly to rectify this, so I made a call. It wasn’t hard to set it up; I played to his weakness. I arrived at the car wash fifteen minutes before the set time. I pulled into the stall and began to wash the car. He pulled in the parking lot just as I was finishing up. He sat in the car looking at me as if I had lost my mind. He liked to think of himself as an international spy, or at least as cool as he thought one was. Hot headed is how I thought of him. I motioned for him to drive into the stall next to me. He was angry, but that was all right, he wouldn’t be emotional in just a few minutes. When the car was settled in place he let the window down and began motioning me over. There was nobody around at all, no cameras or live bodies, that’s why we used the place. I leaned into the window and he asked me what I had for him. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling the anger press up from my gut as I looked into his watery eyes. I could smell the weed wafting from the car through the window to flow over me like woodsmoke. His impatient grin just made the situation that much more gratifying. I stepped back from the car, took a deep breath and said, “Two.” The first one made him jerk quickly to his right as he slumped over. I noticed that the passenger seat was quite messy as I stepped to the window. The second one in his side made him move just a little. I thought about the difference in movement as I drove away.

Saturday afternoon

I sat down with my back to the wall. I still wasn’t sure what to expect from this, but all my senses were telling me it wasn’t going to be good. The time was now that it had to end. I told him that I would meet him there at 1:30, I got there at 1:15 to get the good seat. I was sure he was going to attempt to control the entire meeting, and I wasn’t let down. He walked through the door with the usual squint-eyed arrogance he carried, looked around until he found me and headed my way. He laughed, the all knowing sound just loud enough for me alone to hear as he told me he thought I would be early so I could face him as he came in. He told me that I was predictable that way. Then came the usual sigh of boredom as he ordered a drink from the waitress, along with the usual eye lock on her ass as she left the table to fetch his alcohol. He was predictable that way. He lit a cigarette, knowing that the bar bitch would come around and ask him to put it out, since the new law went in to effect just a few weeks ago. It was the attention that he craved, not the nicotine. There she was within just a few seconds asking him to put it out. He rubbed it into the table, as I figured he would, just to leave his mark on property that didn’t belong to him. Looking bored he asked me what the fuck all this was about and what I thought to gain from this meeting. Meeting was said with as much sarcasm as a human can muster. All I could hear was the rush of blood as my heart beat against my thoughts of the actions to follow. I had rehearsed many lines to this question and some of them were actually pretty good. Now that the time to use them was upon me, I didn’t feel that I could justify wasting my breath on a piece of shit like this. I stared at him and waited for him to speak again. He stared back with a grin that told me that I looked uncomfortable. That was always the problem, I could never be relaxed enough to succeed in any endeavor I thought about pursuing. I wasn’t going to let that happen this time. Inner peace came to me in the way of a child laughing on the other side of the place; it was then that I remembered the reason for this afternoon’s meeting. A smile broke across my face that seemed to unsettle the prick. A small look of confusion hit him that vanished just as quickly. He threw his eyes from upper right to lower left, cocked an eyebrow, and let out another sigh as he leaned forward and asked me what I wanted. It was an attempt to make me feel as if I was interrupting a full Saturday afternoon schedule. These tactics were the usual swipes he tried but I was too used to it, so it did not have his desired affect. The rush of thought that followed his question rode in with a series of images flashing in my head of all that had taken place between us, ending with his actions of Thursday night. I leaned forward as I stood up, barely able to control my breathing, but managing all the same. Walking around the edge of the table I leaned down to give him his answer, “Nothing.” I then took a step away from him, turned to see his look of complete confusion, I couldn’t help but grin as the hole appeared in his head, a small smudge of paint materializing from nowhere. Damn, this was easier than I thought. Not A single person moved as I left. When I started the car I realized that peace was at last mine to enjoy.

Bars and bullshit

Went to lunch the other day with a couple of friends, we like to go after 1:30 so the usual crowds have had time to thin out a bit. We had never been to this place, but had heard it was pretty good. There was a bar in the center of the restaurant with seating all around the walls. The handler sat us at a booth next to a couple of professional looking business types. Next to local characters at bars, the worst things to sit near are professional business people. You get to hear the endless diatribe of sales speak, its like sitting near bill clinton… I was seated with my back to the couple, sharing the seat back. A few minutes into the menu perusal it became evident that what we were hearing wasn’t a business meeting at all, but a first date. We had quiet laughs as we heard the guy just simply going for it. He had no walls up at all; the guy was trying his best to impress the girl he was with. He spoke endlessly about all the material possessions he had managed to accumulate since his arrival on success street. An obvious graduate of the tony robbins courses and seminars, the guy was holding nothing back. The girl got up to use the bathroom and he sighed loudly as he used his breath spray, getting the attention of the guys I was with, they were facing him. One of them said, “Go for it”, he laughed & said, “You gotta market yourself to get what you want, even if it’s laid”. I damn near choked on my sweet tea. “What a putz” I said a bit too loudly. His reply was a simple “Hmpf”. I took the opportunity to check out his date as she made her way back to the table, she was cute, a little young for my taste. After several more grinding decades of hearing the sermon “How great I am” being preached in the booth behind me, I was getting ill. Then came one of the most memorable voyeur moments of my life to date….
The door to the place opened and a haggard woman with blonde hair came stomping across the floor towards our table. There was a look of determination on her face that made us all cringe. We let go a collective “whew” when she passed by us, but we all tensed up when she stopped at the table of the don jaun de binaca with her hands on splayed hips. I was at a disadvantage as my back was to them, but the grins that were plastered to the faces of my companions told me all I needed to know. I heard the sharp intake of air through her nose, then she let loose with an avalanche of vitriol that could’ve blistered the varnish off the bar. Every head in the place turned to watch, every waitress stopped cold in their tracks with mouths hanging open, people swarmed out of the kitchen. I think, in retrospect, that being the only person in the damn place that couldn’t see it was actually a good thing. The reactions from the crowd were priceless. The woman let loose on the girl, starting with: “Did you know that this man has two children and a wife at home!” She went on to explain that his lazy ass had trouble paying the bills and it was no wonder because instead of being at work he was here trying to get into her sleazy pants… I could hear the grunts and spits of rancor bubbling up from the date. I was looking directly at a kitchen employee at this point, I clearly saw him mouth the words “Holy shit! A chic fight!” to his coworker. The blonde then tore into what was obviously her husband. My God, I couldn’t see it, but the guy had to be a puddle of Jell-O by this point. I heard the date say that she didn’t need to be here and she got up and ran out. I watched through the window as she jumped into her car and peeled out, blonde wife never slowing up one bit on hubby. The husband got slowly up and ushered her outside, her mouth working like a hummingbird the entire walk through the place. There was no pretense among the patrons; everyone walked quickly over to the windows to watch the battle continue outside. They were toe to toe in the parking lot. Heads bobbing, arms flapping, pacing back and forth… It was at this point that I began to watch the people in the restaurant. The tough guys were standing, arms folded, murmuring that he had better not hit her, the women were scoffing at him for the asshole that he was, the local characters were busy trying to figure out how they could get notoriety from it all… After a while, they settled down and left in the same car. The patrons were all talking about how crazy and funny it all was, but I felt a little sad. I had just witnessed what was probably the end of a relationship, and the collective was bitching that they didn’t think to film it so they could put it on youtube. I spent the next little while wondering who I felt more pity for, the blonde wife or the people that got so much enjoyment from the results of the lies that a cheating asshole had spun.

Summertime

The first day of summer is only a couple of weeks away, but the season has officially begun. I went out onto the porch last night and was treated to an amazing display of lightening bug aerobatics. I have not been able to talk my wife into letting the kids practice what we used to do when we would chase the lightening bugs… That’s wear a white T-shirt so when you got enough in the jar, you would smash them on your shirt then run around with little glow swipes all over you. Disgusting yes, but fun all the same. Along with the fireworks display of lightening bugs, the other summer demons have arrived as well, humidity and insects. The last night patrol on the Kawasaki mule called for the addition of a long stick to knock the numerous spider webs down that now criss cross the paths we ride. Those buggers are fast too, we knock one down & by the time we get back, there’s another in its place. At 10:30 last night the temperature was 71 degrees with a relative humidity of 100%. It’s the beginning of the “oh my God its hot” time of the year. You really feel like you could just push off the porch and bounce slowly over to the car…
The hawk caught our last “outside” bird the other day and the birdcage has now become the home of the newest addition to the family, Max the baby rabbit. My sister in law has a couple of rabbits, and well.. You know the rest of the story… I hope the hawk doesn’t zero in on this one, but I think the birds’ downfall came from the fact that they would hang on the front of the cage and provide an easy target. James, our four-year-old has fallen in love with the rabbit, he held it for a long time last night and kept asking if he could call people to tell them that he has a rabbit. After he went to bed he came out to go to the bathroom and called back to Max “I’ll be right back buddy” I thought that was cute.
My wife was telling me about a family of deer that she had encountered on her way up the driveway to work. The other morning as I was making my way to the car I heard the usual grunt & groan of a deer that has been bedding down as it hops up. I looked over and there were two of them standing still watching me from the edge of the yard. I called to them, a bird whistle, I don’t know how to speak deer, and they just stood there and watched me, so I waved at them. They didn’t move, I walked to the car & they stood completely still as I drove away. I don’t think that they will get too used to people so that they don’t have a fighting chance come deer season….
The only thing I have left to do is get that damnable satanic lawnmower running so I can cut the grass on a regular basis, I should’ve never bought the piece of junk. With James and Patrick ready to rumble and warm weather looming for the next few months, not to mention a list of grand plans, I hope this summer turns out to be really good, the year so far has been a complete bummer.
When I got home from work yesterday I stood completely still in the driveway and just listened. We live far enough from the road that you hear no traffic noise, the wind was blowing through the trees and the honeysuckle was fragrant, what a way to end a work day....
We have replaced the rusted out grill with another $19 walmart special, I refuse to cook with a gas grill; the flavor just simply is not there with gas & its easier to just use Kingsford than to have to place chips around for flavor. We have already broken the grill in with hotdogs, brats, and burgers. The steaks are in the fridge for the next outing. Keep in mind that you are all invited over for dinner whenever you want, just don’t mind the mess or the dogs…
We could cook on the grill, eat a big meal, stargaze, watch the fireworks show provided by the lightening bugs, and then when its late enough, we could pile into the mule and go for a slow night patrol through the woods, After we get back we could sit on the porch and call up owls to see how many we could get going, it’s a pretty nice way to spend an evening….

Proof positive

this is my horoscope for this month:

You are such a charming devil that you turn any gathering into a happening merely by being present. So, if on the 1st you swing by a cocktail party, grab yourself a summertime spritzer and a melon ball or two, and get ready to have a blast. You're about to turn this soiree into something much greater than the sum of its parts. Don't be surprised if you make the society column! By the 4th and 5th, it looks like you're social calendar will be so full, you'll be penciling in the margins. This is great, but do make sure you getting enough sleep and make sure you're rounding out your diet with more than wine coolers and melon balls! By the 10th, you'll need to examine at the little things. Have you been flossing? How are your cuticles? Do you need new socks for summertime? The 15th is a good time for you to back off if you're feeling overwhelmed, underwhelmed, or just plain off. Nobody can be the life of the party all month long! On the 20th, a problem at work will catch you off guard. Attend to it right away, and on yhe 26th, be nice to your boss. End the month on the 30th, by finishing up something you started at the beginning.

ok, does anyone that knows me agree with the me that this stuff is bs?

Racist rant

As a heterosexual, southern, white male I am a privileged member of the last official group of people on the face of the planet that it is ok to make fun of. How many "redneck" photo essays have you been forwarded in your email? Television programs do little to help, from the old Hatfield/Mckoy cartoons all the way up to Family Guy, we have been a target for the media, on all levels. We have been referred to as "angry white males" and "nascar dads". I guess when we see a news crew arriving on the scene after the tornado has demolished our neighborhood; we rip our shirts off, yank out a few teeth and go into a dead run for the camera as well. I don't even want to get into the tv show cops… The question remains, who is there to speak for us, this small demographic of quickly fading white guys? The answer is no one at all.
As victims of white guilt we have been made to feel that our very existence is an abomination. We are the original blue eyed devils from the far north that arrived on these shores hundreds of years ago and laid waste to the peaceful, nature loving native Americans. We are the descendants of Scottish outcasts that settled in the mountains here in the south and invented ebonics, not to mention incest… We are the same people who traveled to the peaceful, quiet, beautiful shores of the African continent and stole everyone we could find to sell them into slavery (bringing about all the starvation, corruption, and political strife that still exists there today). We have torn the middle east into pieces and ruined the peace loving religion of islam for decades, until the righteous bring about our downfall. We almost split this country in two because we just couldn't give up owning black people. We marry our sisters, are completely ignorant & uneducated, hell we are even the most violent group of people alive today. We were created in a laboratory by an evil mad scientist, if you follow brother farrakhan. This was back in the day when black people had wings and flew around the pyramids, look it up, I am not kidding. An aside here, google this guy, farrakhan, and read his speeches, then google parliament funkadelic and read their lyrics… I do believe minister farrakhan had a bad trip in the seventies. The playlist for the clones of dr. funkenstein reads like one of farrakhan's many rants. They both speak of the mother ship coming down to pick them up; you think him & george know something we don't? I'll bet its sting-ray behind it all anyway, he looks like an alien….
If we mention obama and his lack of practical experience for the presidency, we are racist. If we mention anything at all to do with race, we are racist. How far would a "white miss America pageant" go? The white congressional caucus? You could attempt to escape it by moving away from the south and becoming enlightened, but its still in your blood, feel the guilt permeate through you. We are rednecks and there is nothing we can do about it. We realize our place in the world now, we were wrong to ever doubt the wisdom and knowledge of people from the rest of the country. We shall promise to wear only the latest fashions, stop watching nascar, allow our children to adopt a hip hop attitude towards women & crime, wash the dishes more often, speak no ill words when we are told what to do by our spouses, not argue with anyone at work when we are attacked by the obviously more educated person from another region of the country when they backstab us for the promotion, we concede. We shall fade into the night and allow you to delete us from this nations pages of history. Where does it all stop? It doesn't. That's the cross we carry until we exist no more.
We are surely the personification of evil on this planet and all of this society's woes can be attributed to us. Where would we as a culture in total be if it weren't for us white, inbred rednecks? Better off I can assure you, we have offered nothing worthwhile to history at all have we?

Count this....

While I do not support clinton for president, I feel that she is getting a raw deal on the delegate count situation. Because Florida and Mich. democrats wanted to hold their primaries out of turn the votes don’t count? Imagine if you will the fervor that would take place if this was a situation between a democrat and a republican… It would be the lead story on all networks all the time, only if it put the democrat behind of course. If the republican were behind it would be looked at as sour grapes on his part. And you know it would. Which is the situation on the talking head networks, they are trying as hard as they can to display clinton as a mean, hateful, bitch who just will not give up.
Having lived through two clinton presidencies while closely watching all that he did while in office, I hope that she doesn’t win the general election. But at the same time I can’t help but feel that the machine they have counted on for so long still has a few explosive rounds up their collective sleeve. I am sure that there is some truth to the depiction that is being pushed through on talking head tv that the machine isn’t as powerful as it once was. Several rats have deserted. But these people are ruthless beyond measure, and I feel an upset coming. I think that the people that lay the first Bush presidency at the feet of the court systems are going to be doing quite a bit of face rubbing and looking the other way when ms. Clinton gets done in court. She will not let this go, I assure you. Obama will not be the candidate and hillary will probably win the general election. When she does win, I will hold her to her own standards. I expect to see all American troops home within sixty days, peace flourishing throughout the middle east, .85 per gallon gas prices, free healthcare (with no waiting or turn downs), a budget surplus (a real one, not just projected), a surplus in the “social security fund”, 0% unemployment rate, a “real” tax break, and a jump of at least 30% in wages…. If all this doesn’t happen I’m going to start comparing her to hitler. Then I may jump up and down a while, then go get a coffee at starbucks…