Bars and bullshit

Went to lunch the other day with a couple of friends, we like to go after 1:30 so the usual crowds have had time to thin out a bit. We had never been to this place, but had heard it was pretty good. There was a bar in the center of the restaurant with seating all around the walls. The handler sat us at a booth next to a couple of professional looking business types. Next to local characters at bars, the worst things to sit near are professional business people. You get to hear the endless diatribe of sales speak, its like sitting near bill clinton… I was seated with my back to the couple, sharing the seat back. A few minutes into the menu perusal it became evident that what we were hearing wasn’t a business meeting at all, but a first date. We had quiet laughs as we heard the guy just simply going for it. He had no walls up at all; the guy was trying his best to impress the girl he was with. He spoke endlessly about all the material possessions he had managed to accumulate since his arrival on success street. An obvious graduate of the tony robbins courses and seminars, the guy was holding nothing back. The girl got up to use the bathroom and he sighed loudly as he used his breath spray, getting the attention of the guys I was with, they were facing him. One of them said, “Go for it”, he laughed & said, “You gotta market yourself to get what you want, even if it’s laid”. I damn near choked on my sweet tea. “What a putz” I said a bit too loudly. His reply was a simple “Hmpf”. I took the opportunity to check out his date as she made her way back to the table, she was cute, a little young for my taste. After several more grinding decades of hearing the sermon “How great I am” being preached in the booth behind me, I was getting ill. Then came one of the most memorable voyeur moments of my life to date….
The door to the place opened and a haggard woman with blonde hair came stomping across the floor towards our table. There was a look of determination on her face that made us all cringe. We let go a collective “whew” when she passed by us, but we all tensed up when she stopped at the table of the don jaun de binaca with her hands on splayed hips. I was at a disadvantage as my back was to them, but the grins that were plastered to the faces of my companions told me all I needed to know. I heard the sharp intake of air through her nose, then she let loose with an avalanche of vitriol that could’ve blistered the varnish off the bar. Every head in the place turned to watch, every waitress stopped cold in their tracks with mouths hanging open, people swarmed out of the kitchen. I think, in retrospect, that being the only person in the damn place that couldn’t see it was actually a good thing. The reactions from the crowd were priceless. The woman let loose on the girl, starting with: “Did you know that this man has two children and a wife at home!” She went on to explain that his lazy ass had trouble paying the bills and it was no wonder because instead of being at work he was here trying to get into her sleazy pants… I could hear the grunts and spits of rancor bubbling up from the date. I was looking directly at a kitchen employee at this point, I clearly saw him mouth the words “Holy shit! A chic fight!” to his coworker. The blonde then tore into what was obviously her husband. My God, I couldn’t see it, but the guy had to be a puddle of Jell-O by this point. I heard the date say that she didn’t need to be here and she got up and ran out. I watched through the window as she jumped into her car and peeled out, blonde wife never slowing up one bit on hubby. The husband got slowly up and ushered her outside, her mouth working like a hummingbird the entire walk through the place. There was no pretense among the patrons; everyone walked quickly over to the windows to watch the battle continue outside. They were toe to toe in the parking lot. Heads bobbing, arms flapping, pacing back and forth… It was at this point that I began to watch the people in the restaurant. The tough guys were standing, arms folded, murmuring that he had better not hit her, the women were scoffing at him for the asshole that he was, the local characters were busy trying to figure out how they could get notoriety from it all… After a while, they settled down and left in the same car. The patrons were all talking about how crazy and funny it all was, but I felt a little sad. I had just witnessed what was probably the end of a relationship, and the collective was bitching that they didn’t think to film it so they could put it on youtube. I spent the next little while wondering who I felt more pity for, the blonde wife or the people that got so much enjoyment from the results of the lies that a cheating asshole had spun.

Summertime

The first day of summer is only a couple of weeks away, but the season has officially begun. I went out onto the porch last night and was treated to an amazing display of lightening bug aerobatics. I have not been able to talk my wife into letting the kids practice what we used to do when we would chase the lightening bugs… That’s wear a white T-shirt so when you got enough in the jar, you would smash them on your shirt then run around with little glow swipes all over you. Disgusting yes, but fun all the same. Along with the fireworks display of lightening bugs, the other summer demons have arrived as well, humidity and insects. The last night patrol on the Kawasaki mule called for the addition of a long stick to knock the numerous spider webs down that now criss cross the paths we ride. Those buggers are fast too, we knock one down & by the time we get back, there’s another in its place. At 10:30 last night the temperature was 71 degrees with a relative humidity of 100%. It’s the beginning of the “oh my God its hot” time of the year. You really feel like you could just push off the porch and bounce slowly over to the car…
The hawk caught our last “outside” bird the other day and the birdcage has now become the home of the newest addition to the family, Max the baby rabbit. My sister in law has a couple of rabbits, and well.. You know the rest of the story… I hope the hawk doesn’t zero in on this one, but I think the birds’ downfall came from the fact that they would hang on the front of the cage and provide an easy target. James, our four-year-old has fallen in love with the rabbit, he held it for a long time last night and kept asking if he could call people to tell them that he has a rabbit. After he went to bed he came out to go to the bathroom and called back to Max “I’ll be right back buddy” I thought that was cute.
My wife was telling me about a family of deer that she had encountered on her way up the driveway to work. The other morning as I was making my way to the car I heard the usual grunt & groan of a deer that has been bedding down as it hops up. I looked over and there were two of them standing still watching me from the edge of the yard. I called to them, a bird whistle, I don’t know how to speak deer, and they just stood there and watched me, so I waved at them. They didn’t move, I walked to the car & they stood completely still as I drove away. I don’t think that they will get too used to people so that they don’t have a fighting chance come deer season….
The only thing I have left to do is get that damnable satanic lawnmower running so I can cut the grass on a regular basis, I should’ve never bought the piece of junk. With James and Patrick ready to rumble and warm weather looming for the next few months, not to mention a list of grand plans, I hope this summer turns out to be really good, the year so far has been a complete bummer.
When I got home from work yesterday I stood completely still in the driveway and just listened. We live far enough from the road that you hear no traffic noise, the wind was blowing through the trees and the honeysuckle was fragrant, what a way to end a work day....
We have replaced the rusted out grill with another $19 walmart special, I refuse to cook with a gas grill; the flavor just simply is not there with gas & its easier to just use Kingsford than to have to place chips around for flavor. We have already broken the grill in with hotdogs, brats, and burgers. The steaks are in the fridge for the next outing. Keep in mind that you are all invited over for dinner whenever you want, just don’t mind the mess or the dogs…
We could cook on the grill, eat a big meal, stargaze, watch the fireworks show provided by the lightening bugs, and then when its late enough, we could pile into the mule and go for a slow night patrol through the woods, After we get back we could sit on the porch and call up owls to see how many we could get going, it’s a pretty nice way to spend an evening….

Proof positive

this is my horoscope for this month:

You are such a charming devil that you turn any gathering into a happening merely by being present. So, if on the 1st you swing by a cocktail party, grab yourself a summertime spritzer and a melon ball or two, and get ready to have a blast. You're about to turn this soiree into something much greater than the sum of its parts. Don't be surprised if you make the society column! By the 4th and 5th, it looks like you're social calendar will be so full, you'll be penciling in the margins. This is great, but do make sure you getting enough sleep and make sure you're rounding out your diet with more than wine coolers and melon balls! By the 10th, you'll need to examine at the little things. Have you been flossing? How are your cuticles? Do you need new socks for summertime? The 15th is a good time for you to back off if you're feeling overwhelmed, underwhelmed, or just plain off. Nobody can be the life of the party all month long! On the 20th, a problem at work will catch you off guard. Attend to it right away, and on yhe 26th, be nice to your boss. End the month on the 30th, by finishing up something you started at the beginning.

ok, does anyone that knows me agree with the me that this stuff is bs?

Racist rant

As a heterosexual, southern, white male I am a privileged member of the last official group of people on the face of the planet that it is ok to make fun of. How many "redneck" photo essays have you been forwarded in your email? Television programs do little to help, from the old Hatfield/Mckoy cartoons all the way up to Family Guy, we have been a target for the media, on all levels. We have been referred to as "angry white males" and "nascar dads". I guess when we see a news crew arriving on the scene after the tornado has demolished our neighborhood; we rip our shirts off, yank out a few teeth and go into a dead run for the camera as well. I don't even want to get into the tv show cops… The question remains, who is there to speak for us, this small demographic of quickly fading white guys? The answer is no one at all.
As victims of white guilt we have been made to feel that our very existence is an abomination. We are the original blue eyed devils from the far north that arrived on these shores hundreds of years ago and laid waste to the peaceful, nature loving native Americans. We are the descendants of Scottish outcasts that settled in the mountains here in the south and invented ebonics, not to mention incest… We are the same people who traveled to the peaceful, quiet, beautiful shores of the African continent and stole everyone we could find to sell them into slavery (bringing about all the starvation, corruption, and political strife that still exists there today). We have torn the middle east into pieces and ruined the peace loving religion of islam for decades, until the righteous bring about our downfall. We almost split this country in two because we just couldn't give up owning black people. We marry our sisters, are completely ignorant & uneducated, hell we are even the most violent group of people alive today. We were created in a laboratory by an evil mad scientist, if you follow brother farrakhan. This was back in the day when black people had wings and flew around the pyramids, look it up, I am not kidding. An aside here, google this guy, farrakhan, and read his speeches, then google parliament funkadelic and read their lyrics… I do believe minister farrakhan had a bad trip in the seventies. The playlist for the clones of dr. funkenstein reads like one of farrakhan's many rants. They both speak of the mother ship coming down to pick them up; you think him & george know something we don't? I'll bet its sting-ray behind it all anyway, he looks like an alien….
If we mention obama and his lack of practical experience for the presidency, we are racist. If we mention anything at all to do with race, we are racist. How far would a "white miss America pageant" go? The white congressional caucus? You could attempt to escape it by moving away from the south and becoming enlightened, but its still in your blood, feel the guilt permeate through you. We are rednecks and there is nothing we can do about it. We realize our place in the world now, we were wrong to ever doubt the wisdom and knowledge of people from the rest of the country. We shall promise to wear only the latest fashions, stop watching nascar, allow our children to adopt a hip hop attitude towards women & crime, wash the dishes more often, speak no ill words when we are told what to do by our spouses, not argue with anyone at work when we are attacked by the obviously more educated person from another region of the country when they backstab us for the promotion, we concede. We shall fade into the night and allow you to delete us from this nations pages of history. Where does it all stop? It doesn't. That's the cross we carry until we exist no more.
We are surely the personification of evil on this planet and all of this society's woes can be attributed to us. Where would we as a culture in total be if it weren't for us white, inbred rednecks? Better off I can assure you, we have offered nothing worthwhile to history at all have we?

Count this....

While I do not support clinton for president, I feel that she is getting a raw deal on the delegate count situation. Because Florida and Mich. democrats wanted to hold their primaries out of turn the votes don’t count? Imagine if you will the fervor that would take place if this was a situation between a democrat and a republican… It would be the lead story on all networks all the time, only if it put the democrat behind of course. If the republican were behind it would be looked at as sour grapes on his part. And you know it would. Which is the situation on the talking head networks, they are trying as hard as they can to display clinton as a mean, hateful, bitch who just will not give up.
Having lived through two clinton presidencies while closely watching all that he did while in office, I hope that she doesn’t win the general election. But at the same time I can’t help but feel that the machine they have counted on for so long still has a few explosive rounds up their collective sleeve. I am sure that there is some truth to the depiction that is being pushed through on talking head tv that the machine isn’t as powerful as it once was. Several rats have deserted. But these people are ruthless beyond measure, and I feel an upset coming. I think that the people that lay the first Bush presidency at the feet of the court systems are going to be doing quite a bit of face rubbing and looking the other way when ms. Clinton gets done in court. She will not let this go, I assure you. Obama will not be the candidate and hillary will probably win the general election. When she does win, I will hold her to her own standards. I expect to see all American troops home within sixty days, peace flourishing throughout the middle east, .85 per gallon gas prices, free healthcare (with no waiting or turn downs), a budget surplus (a real one, not just projected), a surplus in the “social security fund”, 0% unemployment rate, a “real” tax break, and a jump of at least 30% in wages…. If all this doesn’t happen I’m going to start comparing her to hitler. Then I may jump up and down a while, then go get a coffee at starbucks…