Big Bobby Baseball

I was tossed back in time today to when I was twelve years old. I was attending Arnco Sargent Elementary and in the seventh grade. Like all of us I look back on that period of life as a magical experience, when time didn't matter and a single afternoon could take forever to go by.

There are a few memories that stand out, floating around in my mind from that time. They all revolve around the group of guys that I hung out with. There was Britt, David, Russell, and Brian.

Britt was the no nonsense guy that didn't mind hurting you... anything for a laugh. I walked up once and they were all sticking the toes of their shoes in a mud puddle, then slinging muddy water on people... Like kids do. Britt hit me a few times and I decided it called for action. I dipped my shoe in the mud, then slung it in his direction and promptly fell on my ass, right in the middle of the huge lake of a mud hole. I was covered in slimy goo from my shoulders to the backs of my knees. I remember doing the slow walk of shame to the office as people pointed and laughed... When I informed the office minion that I needed to call my mother to take me home to change clothes she looked me up and down, replying, "What for? You look fine to me." Her voice just dripping with exhausted "I'm sick of kids" attitude. I remember Britt standing behind me doing that silent laughing thing as I slowly turned around to reveal my embarrassment to an office full of women and sick kids. The entire room was then filled with that same snorting sound that Britt was making in front of me. I just looked at the ceiling until she said, "Yep.. You need to call your mom."

David always reminded me of Gene Wilder from Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory. Everything he said made me laugh. I picked up the usage of sound effects from David. To this day I can't tell a story about something without adding voices and sounds to it. He taught me the finer points of picking a spot on a windshield as the cross hairs and using the imaginary guns hidden in the transport to shoot at things as you go down the road. I still find myself doing that I as I drive. We went to see Smokey and the Bandit with him at the Alamo theater... I still can't believe that a human being could get that much popcorn up his nose...

Russell was sort of a mixture of different characters. He always had his homework done and was there everyday, he was smart... But there was something about him that screamed deviant... I could never put my finger on it... We were doing prank phone calls late one night to random numbers, a plague that was stopped with the invention of caller ID... We were doing the one where you called and explained that you were with the phone company and that there was a problem with severe static electricity in the lines and not to answer the phone for an hour or so, or you would shock whoever was calling. Then you would call back in a few minutes and when they answered, you would scream loudly into the phone like you were being electrocuted... Hey.. we were kids... We got to the point of doing the call back, which was my part. When they answered I began to scream and was promptly cussed up one side and down the other.. I recognized the voice as my eardrums were being blistered... I just sat quietly listening to the stream of obscenities for a while and then said, "Russell? Is that you?" He said, "Clay?" Then we had a long conversation.. "Hey man, what are you up to?" "Well nothing much.." That was over summer vacation one year and we hadn't seen him since school let out.

Brian lived near David and was hilarious as well. He would get going telling you about something and you would get lost as he spoke, but you always laughed. He was scary smart as well. He was in the spelling bee one year and went pretty far, he may even have won, but I can't recall. He had the country accent in the group. I mean, we're all from Georgia, so when I say that, it was country with a capital C. We would argue about the pronunciation of words... He held adamantly to his point that you said bicycle... So why not pronounce cycle that way in motorcycle, and not the correct way.. He had a point. He once drew a little oscar award next to a picture I drew in the corner of a piece of paper of a guy throwing up. It was a realistic black and white affair, complete with vomit coming out of the nose of the subject.. He took one look at it and said, "That gets the award for the grossest thing ever drawn." Then proceeded to pencil in the oscar statue.. I still have that scrap of paper..

We used to reenact comic strips from mad magazine during lunch period, on the table using our fingers as the legs for imaginary characters walking around, all rather profane, it always went that way at that age. We watched the clock and timed how long we could each hold our breath, and then have the inevitable argument about whether or not it was allowable to release your breath during the contest. We had the grandest time when the second hand on the clock was loose for a few months. We would watch it circle the top and then swish down fast to hang at six until it was picked up again to start it's trip all over... Yes we were simple...

Brian used to wear an orange hunting coat with patches sewn on it. David was telling us about how they had gone bird hunting the day before and that he had the pockets of the coat filled with dead birds... He told us that as Brian was standing in line for seconds in the cafeteria... When he got back to the table he was holding several things, spread them out on the table and then reached into his pocket to pull out a block of that lovely red jello you got at school.. "I didn't have any more hands, they were full.." I watched in awe as he ate the jello.. His respect factor went way up that day, I mean, come on.. dead bird pocket jello? That's cool...

We had to do an oral report one year. Brian did his on making corn liquor. He got up in front of the class and went rapid fire through his report, complete with diagrams and explanations of each step of building and operating a moonshine still. It was like being at a pentagon briefing. When he was finished he sat back down as all the kids stared at him... The teacher shook her head as she leaned forward writing his grade down and said, "Well, he certainly knew what he was talking about." I still remember the wide eyed looks on the faces in class as he said things like, "You have to wait until just right time to add the... You don't want it tasting too..." That was the same teacher that leaned over to me during the parade of students in the gym showing off their costumes at halloween one year... "Is he dressed as a.." "Yes, yes he is..." I went trick or treating with them that night and had the most fun I ever had on halloween...

The best occurrence of uncontrollable laughter I've ever experienced was because of Brian. We were doing a skit in front of the class at OP Evans Jr. High. Our skit was to be of a television news cast. Brian was to do the sports... He wrote the skit and when he was cued to start his part, he yelled out, in the most bizarre voice, "Hey sports fans this is Big Bobby Baseball coming at you with the sports..." Then his face went completely red and he began to laugh... Not one person in that class could recover. The skit was over... I still think about that from time to time and smile...

I would love to sit down in a restaurant for a three hour meal with those guys now.. I wonder how long it would take us to fall right back into what we were then...

For that few precious years between fourth and around ninth or tenth grade we saw each other every day. We made fun of each other, fought, laughed, and began our long journeys into adulthood together. We cussed like sailors and put no thought into what lie ahead, we were young and invincible, nothing bad could ever happen to us...