September 15, 2009

Take my advice...

I have, as of late, been bombarded with requests from people seeking advice on a myriad of topics. Therefore as a public service of sorts I have decided to post a few truths of life. Ordinarily I don’t mind telling people what I think about a given situation, but there are just so many I thought it might be easier like this. Some of these are mine, some I have picked up along they way..

Don’t lie, there just isn’t anything to be gained by it.

If you broke it, fix the damn thing.

Cars are born of Satan, expect them to fall apart when you need them most.

Everything that you have done to hurt someone else so that your tracks can be covered is already known, face it.

When you are married or in a committed relationship, DO NOT have sex with someone other than your significant other. This now includes sexting, talking dirty on social networking sites, or emailing pictures of your body parts to uninterested people. Also, do not tweet “SCORE” every time you have sex…

Speaking of tweeting… People do not care where you are eating dinner.

You can get anything on earth clean with hot, soapy water and a s.o.s. pad.

Spend as much time with your children as you can.

The older you get, the faster time goes.

If you love God, that is a wondrous and blessed thing, just don’t tell everyone about it continually. Some people already love God, some love a different God, and some don’t believe in any God.

Do not call the police if someone steals your drug stash.

Children will scream and wail and gnash their teeth, get used to it, at least they are breathing.

When dealing with a government employee, say nothing but “biscuit” over and over until you get to someone who can actually get something done.

Never vote yes on anything that is going to take more money from you, force the government to exist on a budget like real people have to.

Larry King is a vampire.

Karma is real.

Television is the 2nd most evil thing man ever conceived, falling right after money and just before alcohol.

Magic exists, just talk to a child.

Relax, we are only here for a little while so try to enjoy something.

The lord of the rings is the best thing ever written.

Vegetarians always have gas.

Homosexuality is not a choice, please tell me when you made the decision to be attracted to only members of the opposite sex.

Men are easy, just give us a sandwich every day and get naked once in a while.

The first rule of all lists of rules is that there are exceptions to each and every rule.

Global warming is not caused by humans.

Owning a gun, learning how to use it and knowing where it is at all times is a good thing.

There are more rednecks north of the mason dixon line than south of it.

When someone tries to take something from you using force, kill them.. Then they will never attempt it again.

Birds make the best pets.

Staying married is a hard job, but its worth it.

Knocking back a few drinks in a bar is ok, if you have a tendency to wake up naked in strange places the next day, just stay out of bars altogether.

Everyone is going to die, yet that knowledge does absolutely nothing to assuage the pain of loss.

If you simply go ahead and accept these things as true, and take them to heart, most of the bad things in life will leave you alone. There is no cure all for pure bullshit, it always finds you, but you must consider the point that we create a great deal of the mess we are forced to handle each day.


wendy said...

..and there it is.

Just me... said...

So sayeth the Clay..

But, I am pretty sure that everyone has gas..
'Cept me, of course!!! :):):)~

HeartofGoldPlate said...

some men are even easier and just want the sandwich.

Anonymous said...

Some BS there. But, for a moment, entertaining in its own way.


John Pender said...

I could care less about the sandwich.

Dana said...

Homosexuality is not a choice, please tell me when you made the decision to be attracted to only members of the opposite sex.

I "decided" to be attracted to both opposite AND same sex members in order to be right no matter what one's ideas might be *wink*

Deb said... sum it up!

Wow this was a great post! I wholeheartedly agreed with everything on here!

By the way, I'm having dinner at a fabulous sushi bar right lol

And thank you for believing that it is not a choice to be a homosexual. It would be much easier the other route, however... (dot dot dot)