April 25, 2008

Like ummmm

I do my banking on Fridays in a Publix Branch. The bank opens at ten A.M. Since the branch is only a mile or so from work I try to get there just as it opens, usually I get lucky & can make the entire trip in fifteen to twenty minutes. Dealing with the general public in retail situations while standing in line is not one of my favorite things to do. My wife can tell you, if I could run an internet business & never go beyond our property line I would get along just fine. Face it, people suck & the less I have to deal with them the better off I am. When I walked into the grocery store, I noticed that there were two tellers on duty at the bank. Each teller had a customer and there was one person in line, ok, not too bad. I went around the register on the end & came in the back way to stand behind the girl already in line, that way I didn’t have to walk right by her & could avoid eye contact or not give her the opportunity to speak to me. I really hate idol queue chatter. I stopped about four or five feet behind her & began to stare at the magazine rack. After a few minutes it became clear that the people at the bank counter were obviously doing their annual account reconciliations thus I could see the death of the fifteen minute trip looming in front of me. Girl then proceeded whip out her cell phone and begin a conversation with her mother. How did I know who it was? She was talking so loud everyone in the entire front section of the store was looking at her.
“Hey Mom!!! What? OHHH I am just here at the bank… it’s taking soooo long these people are soooo slow, its like ummm just sooo slow here so I thought I would call you to find out why Daddy didn’t give me my full allowance…… uhh huhhh, but Mom that was only 500 dollars why is he STILL pissed about it???? That was like ummm almost a month ago…. You know I am supposed to meet Kendra at Six Flags tonight…..Well can I come by there and get some more money?????? MOMMMM PLLLEAASSSE…”
I then noticed the check she had in her hand, it was for $977.49
“But how am I going to pay bills AND go to Six Flags?!?! And don’t forget I have to go to the mall in the morning too…… COOOLLL MOMMMM I will come over as soon as I leave here, if they ever hurry up….” Click & redial “Hey!…. sure I can be there,…. OH I KNOW!!!!!! My Mom was being such a bitch, she wasn’t going to give me the rest of my money so I just told her like HELLLOOO I need the money MOM……………...."
The conversation continued as I began to look around frantically for a plastic fork to begin jamming into my eyes. I openly prayed for the tellers to please hurry up with the people at the counter to get this raving idiot away from me. The temperature was rising quickly as the nasal droning continued, my pulse quickened, my breathing became shallow. Sweat began forming on my face. My eyes were darting from side to side rapidly looking for a way out. Someone else had gotten in line behind me, Damn!!!!
“I wish you would tone it down some!!!”
Oh, hell no. Not only do I have to hear the nasal drone of the clueless, now I have to deal with a line nazi…
“It is sooo very rude to be sooo loud on a phone in a group of people!”
The situation was now beyond desperate, now all I needed was for a terminally internet addicted twenty something pseudo intellectual cynic to show up and start making vague references to what the situation here was like…
“Look I’ve got to go, there is some BITCH trying to tell me what to do here!”
“YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO OR ABOUT ME IN SUCH A……”
I never heard the end of the statement. I broke into a dead run for the counter, taking the pull rope queue boarder with me. Tossed the paper work in my hand to the astonished teller & yelled “Deposit Please!!” While trying to hold myself up on the counter. I was hyperventilating, sweating, tapping my fingers on the counter, and about to pass out. When I looked at the teller she was just staring at me. I then did a hand roll while making a tss tsss noise trying to get her to hurry. I said through clenched teeth, “Just put the money in the bank.” With the same tone as the guy from Silence of the lambs telling the girl to put the dog in the basket.. I then slapped up the receipt from the counter & race walked out the door.
It took almost five minutes of super inhalation of nicotine to get the scene out of my mind. By the time I got back to the office I had calmed down enough to get on with the day. I wonder if you can do just a “general” restraint order against an entire populace?

3 comments:

HeartofGoldPlate said...

i'm so glad I'm not one of those uncontrollable bitchy pregnant ladies. I get frustrated a lot easier, but I don't think i'd ever get up the guts to get loud about it. I think it's the overwhelming fear of the slight chance I could be in the wrong.

Jules said...

Welcome to the world of dealing with the public Big Daddy. Do you know who the line nazi reminded me of? If you think hard I am sure that it will come to you.

Anonymous said...

You never know what or who you will find when you go out in public.
Why is it we seem to be drawn to the weirdos most of the time.Thank the good Lord for the few times we meet the good people.
That gal flashinh that check should be glad you weren't going to follow her and rob her.Not to bright to be flashing the check so you could see the amount on it.
MJ