Bars and bullshit

Went to lunch the other day with a couple of friends, we like to go after 1:30 so the usual crowds have had time to thin out a bit. We had never been to this place, but had heard it was pretty good. There was a bar in the center of the restaurant with seating all around the walls. The handler sat us at a booth next to a couple of professional looking business types. Next to local characters at bars, the worst things to sit near are professional business people. You get to hear the endless diatribe of sales speak, its like sitting near bill clinton… I was seated with my back to the couple, sharing the seat back. A few minutes into the menu perusal it became evident that what we were hearing wasn’t a business meeting at all, but a first date. We had quiet laughs as we heard the guy just simply going for it. He had no walls up at all; the guy was trying his best to impress the girl he was with. He spoke endlessly about all the material possessions he had managed to accumulate since his arrival on success street. An obvious graduate of the tony robbins courses and seminars, the guy was holding nothing back. The girl got up to use the bathroom and he sighed loudly as he used his breath spray, getting the attention of the guys I was with, they were facing him. One of them said, “Go for it”, he laughed & said, “You gotta market yourself to get what you want, even if it’s laid”. I damn near choked on my sweet tea. “What a putz” I said a bit too loudly. His reply was a simple “Hmpf”. I took the opportunity to check out his date as she made her way back to the table, she was cute, a little young for my taste. After several more grinding decades of hearing the sermon “How great I am” being preached in the booth behind me, I was getting ill. Then came one of the most memorable voyeur moments of my life to date….
The door to the place opened and a haggard woman with blonde hair came stomping across the floor towards our table. There was a look of determination on her face that made us all cringe. We let go a collective “whew” when she passed by us, but we all tensed up when she stopped at the table of the don jaun de binaca with her hands on splayed hips. I was at a disadvantage as my back was to them, but the grins that were plastered to the faces of my companions told me all I needed to know. I heard the sharp intake of air through her nose, then she let loose with an avalanche of vitriol that could’ve blistered the varnish off the bar. Every head in the place turned to watch, every waitress stopped cold in their tracks with mouths hanging open, people swarmed out of the kitchen. I think, in retrospect, that being the only person in the damn place that couldn’t see it was actually a good thing. The reactions from the crowd were priceless. The woman let loose on the girl, starting with: “Did you know that this man has two children and a wife at home!” She went on to explain that his lazy ass had trouble paying the bills and it was no wonder because instead of being at work he was here trying to get into her sleazy pants… I could hear the grunts and spits of rancor bubbling up from the date. I was looking directly at a kitchen employee at this point, I clearly saw him mouth the words “Holy shit! A chic fight!” to his coworker. The blonde then tore into what was obviously her husband. My God, I couldn’t see it, but the guy had to be a puddle of Jell-O by this point. I heard the date say that she didn’t need to be here and she got up and ran out. I watched through the window as she jumped into her car and peeled out, blonde wife never slowing up one bit on hubby. The husband got slowly up and ushered her outside, her mouth working like a hummingbird the entire walk through the place. There was no pretense among the patrons; everyone walked quickly over to the windows to watch the battle continue outside. They were toe to toe in the parking lot. Heads bobbing, arms flapping, pacing back and forth… It was at this point that I began to watch the people in the restaurant. The tough guys were standing, arms folded, murmuring that he had better not hit her, the women were scoffing at him for the asshole that he was, the local characters were busy trying to figure out how they could get notoriety from it all… After a while, they settled down and left in the same car. The patrons were all talking about how crazy and funny it all was, but I felt a little sad. I had just witnessed what was probably the end of a relationship, and the collective was bitching that they didn’t think to film it so they could put it on youtube. I spent the next little while wondering who I felt more pity for, the blonde wife or the people that got so much enjoyment from the results of the lies that a cheating asshole had spun.